Spies
by Emma CS Me
Summary: Artie just friended on the guy he spied on sort of dating one of his friends. It's not meant to get so complicated from that. Facebook!fic.


**Author's Notes:** Facebook fic! Because... well, everyone else is doing it. I'm not really sure about this. It's probably very inaccurate as to how facebook actually works. Oh well.

* * *

**Spies**

**Artie Abrams** and **Blaine Morgan** are now friends**  
****- ****Mercedes Jones **and **Tina Cohen-Chang** like this.**  
****- Kurt Hummel** What?**  
****- Mercedes Jones** Long story, boo. Tell it on your wall, 'cause Artie's scary when he's pissed at you for spamming his notifications.

**Mercedes Jones - Kurt Hummel **Basically, I dragged Artie and Tina along with me when you dragged me out to meet Blaine the first time. Which was, y'know, awkward, but I bribed them good. They were the ones in black at the back.**  
****- Kurt Hummel** That wasn't actually very long, Mercedes; we could have just kept spamming Artie.**  
- Kurt Hummel** Although I was wondering who those people were, and why the bankrobber outfits – I thought it was just some sort of post-modern fashion statement. I was appreciative.**  
- Mercedes Jones** No offense, but that does not surprise me.**  
- - Finn Hudson** likes this.

**Kurt Hummel - Tina Cohen-Chang** Did you have to spy on my date with Blaine, just because Mercedes told you to?**  
- Tina Cohen-Chang** Her or Artie?**  
- Kurt Hummel** The woman herself. Artie's just friended my boyfriend.**  
- Tina Cohen-Chang** Dammit. She scares me more than he does.**  
- - Mercedes Jones** likes this

**Mike Chang - Tina Cohen-Chang** Did you go to Breadsticks with Artie without telling me? :/**  
- Tina Cohen-Chang** ...We were spying on Mercedes and Kurt and that Blaine guy who may or may not be evil! How did you even find out about it anyway?**  
- Mike Chang** I can read? It's all over your facebook, you know.**  
- Tina Cohen-Chang** ...Huh, that was dumb.

**Tina Cohen-Chang - Artie Abrams** Can your friending the mentorish gay guy mean you've secretly realized your own non-heterosexuality, and you two are going to change your relationship status any day now? 'Cause Mike's gotten all pouty and jealous at our spying together, and that would be a major help with getting him to just not.**  
- Artie Abrams** Sorry, Tina, still straight. You didn't put me off for life. Although it obviously shows the strength of your relationship that he gets jealous over that.**  
- Tina Cohen-Chang** Huh. I forgot what a bitch of an ex you are.**  
- Mercedes Jones** Oh god, not more break-up fighting.**  
- Kurt Hummel** I second that statement.**  
- Finn Hudson** Artie – you steal Kurt's boyfriend and I'll kill you. Blaine – you get stolen from being Kurt's boyfriend and I'll kill you worse.**  
- Blaine Morgan** Sweet and slightly disturbing as that is, Finn, Kurt and I aren't dating.**  
- Finn Hudson** ...? He writes going out with you up on the calendar and has put "Mr. Kurt Elizabeth Morgan" on that fashion notebook thing he has more than once. And he like NEVER doodles on that. You're dating him.**  
- Kurt Hummel** FINN.**  
- Blaine Morgan** Is that an inaccurate statement or a threat?**  
- Artie Abrams **STOP SPAMMING ME. ALL OF YOU.

**Kurt Hummel** Some people deserve to live. Some people don't.**  
- Artie Abrams** likes this.

**Finn Hudson** didn't really need to know how many millimeters you can saw through a drumstick before it snaps in two.

**Finn Hudson** doesn't really know how big a millimeter is anyway.

**Blaine Morgan** is now in a relationship with **Kurt Hummel  
- Kurt Hummel** Wait, what?**  
- Blaine Morgan** Well, Finn sent me photographic proof you want to be. And I've liked you forever; I was just – you have so much drama in your life, so I wanted you to make the first move. Then I said "fuck it."**  
- Blaine Morgan** Oh god, this was WAY too forward, wasn't it.**  
- Kurt Hummel** No.**  
- Kurt Hummel** Well, yes to most sane people, but that doesn't include me.**  
- Kurt Hummel** It's romantic.**  
- Finn Hudson** Is my other drumstick safe?**  
- Kurt Hummel** Yes, Finn.**  
- Brittany Pierce** Wait, I thought Blaine was Artie's new boyfriend?**  
- Artie Abrams** BRITTANY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**  
- Brittany Pierce** ...which sucks, 'cause I thought you and Puck were cool together. You're like... a bunny, and he's like... something different to a bunny.**  
- Artie Abrams** Um, not dating Blaine; never dated Puck. Now... what?**  
- Santana Lopez** Shut up, Abrams.**  
- Artie Abrams** I don't get it, that's all.**  
- Santana Lopez** Remember our date? Yeah, that. Now SHUT UP.**  
- Artie Abrams** Technically I'm typing. And I wasn't dating Puck.**  
- Noah Puckerman** SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE. DON'T TELL BRITTANY THAT.**  
- Artie Abrams** what is this I don't even

**Artie Abrams** really doesn't get why he's not allowed to clarify he's never dated **Noah Puckerman**. He really hopes he's not being stalked.**  
- Noah Puckerman** Look, Britt got it into her head when we went on that date the pairs were her/San, you/me. Couldn't really tell her. Like Britt'll say shit anyway – if she said anything, people would just think it's her being dumb and not getting it.**  
- Noah Puckerman** WHICH WAS TOTALLY ALL IT WAS, no homo.**  
- Artie Abrams** Was anyone considering telling me this?**  
- Kurt Hummel** You realize both me and Blaine can read all this?**  
- Brittany Pierce** Oh**  
- Brittany **You could have just said, guys.

**Brittany Pierce** wishes she was different sometimes**  
- Artie Abrams** Are you okay?**  
- Noah Puckerman** Shut it, Abrams. This is your fault. Shouldn't have told her.**  
- Brittany Pierce** It's cool, Puck.**  
- Brittany Pierce** You guys could have told me.**  
- Brittany Pierce** It would have been kinda embarrassing but, whatever. You didn't have to like, hide it.**  
- Brittany Pierce** I'm not five.**  
- Brittany** **Pierce** Am I?**  
- Noah Puckerman** Shit, sorry Britt. Didn't mean to piss you off, that's all.**  
- Brittany Pierce** It's cool.**  
- Brittany Pierce** But if I'd known we weren't being gay that day, I could have aimed for a foursome

**Artie Abrams** is surprised by Puck. :)**  
- Noah Puckerman** Stop leaving gay love notes for me on your wall, dude. It's BRITTANY. You kind of have to be a pussy with her. Even when she fucks up, you'd feel like an asshole for getting mad.**  
**

**Artie Abrams** can't believe he let Noah Puckerman make him feel like an asshole.**  
- Brittany Pierce** he missed the point... :(

**Noah Puckerman** wishes he didn't suck.**  
- Finn Hudson** Um, Ms. P gave me this pamphlet on low self-esteem after the hallway thing, if you wanna...**  
- Noah Puckerman** Relax, Finnessa. I just kind of pissed off Brittany.**  
- Finn Hudson** That's possible?**  
- Finn Hudson** When'd she learn how to use a computer anyway?**  
- Noah Puckerman** Yeah... 'cause I was actually trying to be nice and apparently she got all offended I treat her different or whatever. Help a brother out?**  
- Santana Lopez** YOU GUYS. MORONS.

**Brittany Pierce** is glad Santana cut her nails recently. :DDD**  
- Kurt Hummel** OH GOD, MY MIND.**  
- Noah Puckerman **AWESOME.

**Rachel Berry - Artie Abrams** Artie, I recently had a talk with Brittany. She appears to be concerned about some issues you have had in the field of sexuality. As the proud daughter of two gay fathers and, more importantly, your personal friend, I would be more than willing to talk about these issues openly and non-judgmentally with you if you felt so inclined. You have my phone number.**  
- Blaine Morgan** likes this**  
- Artie Abrams** Oh god. Rachel, why?

**Joanna Abrams - Artie Abrams** Um, sweetie? I know this must be awkward, especially over this internet... thing, but do you want to come downstairs and talk?

**Artie Abrams** cannot BELIEVE he forgot he was one of the few losers stupid enough to actually accept when his mother friended him on facebook.**  
- Noah Puckerman** Nerd.**  
- Artie Abrams** I wear sweatervests, glasses; I tutor struggling classmates in geometry, and I'm in a wheelchair. You're not going to pick up the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for figuring THAT one out.

**Artie Abrams** would like to reiterate to you all what he just told his well-intentioned mother: I AM NOT GAY.**  
- Kurt Hummel **...Could you please get your casual homophobia/obvious terror at the idea of your sexuality being questioned out of my status feed? Thank you.**  
- Kurt Hummel** Seriously, even Puck is better with this than you.**  
- Artie Abrams** Wait, what?**  
- Rachel Berry** I agree with Kurt: your obvious discomfort with being labeled a potential homosexual is worth attention. If it's a sign of the already raised questions about your sexuality – my offer to talk still stands. If it is not, and is simply your inability to be labeled as such, I do believe we need to talk about this.**  
- Blaine Morgan** Artie, I met you, and you seemed like a good guy. Think about why it is so important to you not to be 'gay', okay?**  
- Blaine Morgan** The fact you have also made strange comments about your disabled status concerns me too.**  
- Blaine Morgan** Remember: differences are the weapon of the weak. Either your own or someone else's, to use them is to diminish not only what you strike against, but yourself.**  
- Artie Abrams** 1. I'm really, really sorry. 2. That quote barely made sense though. 3. What movie is that from? Don't think I've heard of it.**  
- Blaine Morgan** That's because it's not from a movie; I made it up.**  
- Rachel Berry** Well written, Blaine.**  
- Blaine Morgan** Thanks. :)**  
- Kurt Hummel** Seriously?

**Kurt Hummel** is now vaguely worried about his boyfriend running away with a girl said boyfriend has never actually met, them eloping and living a long and prosperous life writing Public Service Announcements.**  
- Rachel Berry **Oh?**  
- Blaine Morgan** likes this

**Blaine Morgan** is now single

**Rachel Berry** is now single

**Finn Hudson** what?

**Blaine Morgan **and **Rachel Berry** are now married.**  
- Kurt Hummel** Oh, of course.**  
- Finn Hudson** Dude! D: Good job, you asshole.**  
- Kurt Hummel** Sor-ry. *eye roll***  
- Rachel Berry** I apologize Kurt, Finn. Clearly the power of public service announcements is too strong for us. ;)**  
- Kurt Hummel** I hope you're kidding, Rachel. Knowing you, you may not be.**  
- Finn Hudson** Kurt, leave my girlfriend alone.**  
- Finn Hudson** My facebook-not-girlfriend. :(**  
- Kurt Hummel** Don't you want me to reap vengeance for your sake?**  
- Finn Hudson** Is that a good thing? :( :( :(**  
- Kurt Hummel** Okay. Have he and Rachel even SPOKEN anyway?**  
- Blaine Morgan** Actually she called me after you told everyone about me, to make sure I wasn't another Jesse. And yes, she told me who Jesse is. To quote: "Not that your feeble and obviously insubstantial efforts at spying will hurt us competitively, because clearly you do not have the same edge as Vocal Adrenaline, but I don't believe New Directions can cope with having yet another member besotted with the enemy, only to have their heart broken and being cast aside – especially not a member as crucially talented and emotionally fragile as Kurt Hummel. There are several surprisingly low hanging power lines in this town that agree with me."**  
- Blaine Morgan** It was quite sweet, in a terrifying way.**  
- Finn Hudson** And somehow that led to you facebook-dumping your girlfriend, facebook-stealing my girlfriend, and you two facebook-starting a life of PSA-writing bliss together?**  
- Blaine Morgan** Pretty much.**  
- Artie Abrams** I think everyone thought it'd be me you'd run away with, but okay.**  
- Finn Hudson** :?**  
- Artie Abrams** I'm making jokes about this situation now to try and get everyone to forgive me for the 'casual homophobia' I just got called on.**  
- Finn Hudson** Oh. ;) Shower curtain.**  
- Blaine Morgan** Huh?**  
- Kurt Hummel** Long story. Artie, the sentiment is appreciated. Finn, what are we going to do?

**Kurt Hummel** and **Finn Hudson** are now married**  
- Rachel Berry** Well, that was obvious.

**Artie Abrams** So: line up here to make your gay jokes about me so I can stop feeling like a douchebag. :)**  
- Noah Puckerman** Cocksucker.**  
- Artie Abrams** Not you. I don't feel bad about offending you. Plus, you're a fellow straight male, so you throwing around slurs like that is actually really offensive.**  
- Noah Puckerman** Please. You're just all awkward 'cause me talking to you dirty like that totally turns you on.**  
- Artie Abrams** Okay, I'll call that one fair under the rules of penance.**  
- Noah Puckerman** Seriously though, there's something gay about calling out dudes specifically TO call you gay – it's like, advertising or something.**  
- Artie Abrams** And clearly, you're the only one who took the bait.**  
- Noah Puckerman** Huh?**  
-Artie Abrams** You're the only one doing this, Puck.**  
- Finn** **Hudson** Dude, you need to talk to me? 'Cause – not that there's anything wrong with that and all that jazz, but – this obsession with Artie's sexuality is kind of the gayest thing I've ever seen you do.**  
- Finn Hudson** Including the time when we were thirteen and you drunkenly tried to make out with me because you got it into your head that my name rhyming with Quinn's would make me as good a kisser as she is.**  
- Noah Puckerman **SHIT. FINN. WE AGREED NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THAT.**  
- Finn Hudson **Dude. Not a big deal. Just saying.**  
- Kurt Hummel** Wait, you didn't get mad about that?**  
- Finn Hudson** Nah. Straight dudes getting drunk and trying to make out with other straight dudes? Actually kind of happens all the time.**  
- Finn Hudson** Okay, I DID get mad in the end, but only because he kind of vomited on my face.**  
- Tina Cohen-Chang** Okay, I was totally plotting how to recreate this situation and rounding up as many virgin sacrifices as would be required until that detail. DAMMIT.**  
- - Rachel Berry**,** Santana Lopez** and two others like this.

**Sam Evans** think he might actually be able to keep Quinn just by being the least homoerotic of her love interests! :D**  
- Kurt Hummel** Wait... you?**  
- Quinn Fabray** Aww. And I am so the head bitch in charge.**  
- Noah Puckerman** Dude, I am reading this.**  
- Finn Hudson** Wait, so you need my pamphlet?

**Artie Abrams** To hell with it.

**Artie Abrams** and **Noah Puckerman** are now married**  
- Noah Puckerman** Huh?**  
- Brittany Pierce** You guys can have a dolphin as your wedding present. :)


End file.
